My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Is….Is this an option?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!