my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?