My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
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did it work
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.