My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
You Might Also Like
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!