My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
You Might Also Like
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
#Caturday
PLOT TWIST:
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus