Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*