My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.