The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: What’s wrong?
Me: Grabs shield and sword
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.