My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise


I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.


I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.


The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.


Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.


Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.


Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword


Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.