my nickname in college
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Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
how to market bottled water to dads
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high