My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
#SuperBowl
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.