My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
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sir, my pâté if you please
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?