My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered