My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
This trial is so absurd 😭
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons