My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
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Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?