“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.