@permawedgie

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

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@Bandersnaaatch

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

@neiltyson

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

@SunshineJarboly

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

@notalogin

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

@TXrednation1

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

@MomofTeen

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

@Parentpains

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

@meganamram

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old