My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.