My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

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On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.


Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.


Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.


not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven


Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.


Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*


Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.


I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.


This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old