My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up