My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Not helping
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.