my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
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One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist