my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)