My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Noah was an idiot.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.