my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
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Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Aaaa…CHOO!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Noah
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.