My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
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Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.