My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.