My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
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i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe