My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
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It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
A ghost story
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
repaired
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
there’s probably a fee though
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”