My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH