My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
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Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I needed a laugh this morning.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting