*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans