My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
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*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.