My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
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He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
had to make it
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD