Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.