@kelkulus

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

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@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@flashember

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

@phirm

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

@BillFienberg

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

@SavoirFail

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

@KentWGraham

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

@missekay

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.