My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Single and childfree like Jesus
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
john wicks are toilet candles
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I gave up going to work for lent.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*