My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
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[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.