My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
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Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Phonetics
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.