My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
the clam before the storm
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles