My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
There are usually two types of merchants.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
omg leave her alone
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
britain’s three elite institutions
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?