My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
🔦🌙👣
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe