my one true gender

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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am


Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.


flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”


[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*


If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.


Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*


Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it