@djdarrellripley

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

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@NamestartswithZ

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

@Angibangie

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

@tylerschmall

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

@LetMeStart

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

@BombChelleMama_

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

@ItsAndyRyan

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@GayDeceiver

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

@MommyCocktail

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?