My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

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I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.


King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs


Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.


[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan


[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline


I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan


My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *


Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..


My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose


Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?


Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.