I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.