@djdarrellripley

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

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@Mardigroan

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

@MollyCocktail

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

@PaperWash

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

@hellohappy_time

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

@Amiigat

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

@MadHatterMommy

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

@SwirlySkittles

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.