I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.