my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
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Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
called in thicc to work this morning
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point