My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
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Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.