My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
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Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.