@DurtMcHurtt

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

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@ChrisThayerSays

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

@heatherlou_

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

@Parentpains

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

@Burger_Time_

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

@urfavoritejoel

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

@ArfMeasures

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there