My only stock options are chicken and beef.
You Might Also Like
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.