My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Welcome to your 40s: you鈥檙e not hungover you鈥檙e just awake.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[Christmas]
6:30鈥攌ids are excited
7:30鈥攌ids are playing
8:00鈥攌ids are fighting
9:00鈥攌ids are crying
9:15鈥攚ife is yelling
9:30鈥擨 am drinking
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
All I鈥檓 saying is when I鈥檓 drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I鈥橵E BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
A restaurant called Grandma鈥檚 House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Your house doesn鈥檛 have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it鈥檚 my house
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
We鈥檝e been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito鈥檚 vodka and could we ship her some.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
$4 #usedbooks
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…