My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses