My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Watermelon Boss!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
