My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
How animals would run if they were human
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..