My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

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My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.


I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.


Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.


If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby


my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog


I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.


Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.


I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.


I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me


My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.