My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
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From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
i spent way too long on this
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –