My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Festive toon…
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open