My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs