My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.