My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
craving $300 all of a sudden